two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
