I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
