There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
