I got chris browned last night
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Say something about gay babies.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
