Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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