youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
