Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
