I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
