Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
