Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
