I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
