remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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