I am in a vortex of obligation.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
