If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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