if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
