I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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