so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
