You're a womanizer and a bitch.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
