my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
