You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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