just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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