I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
barbara walters just said penis...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
