Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l