dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again