FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
