My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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