ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
