she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
