when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
