I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
