I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
