well you can't waste a boner
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
