Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
