the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
