dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
