You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
