Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
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It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
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you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize