Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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