I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision