There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
So apparently I’m into choking now
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