i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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