ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
