Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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