There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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