I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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