ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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