Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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