I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
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She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
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I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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