We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
