There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
