There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
