thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
