i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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