If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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