Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
