you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
