So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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