Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
it was like eating out sand paper
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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