i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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